Entry 1- Lets try this again...

Its me, Starlight Glimmer~! Pupil to the princess of friendship, savior of Equestria, Counselor at the school of friendship... and a kite enthusiast!
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Starlight Glimmer
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Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2019 9:01 pm
Pony: Starlight Glimmer
Title: Glimglam

Entry 1- Lets try this again...

Post by Starlight Glimmer » Mon Jul 29, 2019 9:01 pm

Hey everypony! It's me Starlight Glimmer~ Im really happy that we have a new website now, and that I have a new journal, but over the span of two years I managed to lose two starlight journals... mostly because I forgot to backup my entries before the websites shut down, i dont really know why i didnt learn my lesson the first time when the first hypnoponies site shut down and i lost my most important starlight journal since it covered the second half of my journey through highschool.. and covered how i became starlight glimmer. the second one, which was on the equestrian souls site, covered what happened after i graduated from highschool.

this is going to be Starlight Journal 3.0, third times a charm right? but anyway, this journal post is going to be about what i remember in the last 4 ish years (gosh time flies fast) this journal post took way too long to make

So... 2014, i was still a rainbow dash, near the end of my grade 9 year of highschool, i was a rainbow dash for over a year now, and i think it was during the summer or near the end of the school year was when i had this... strange vision appear to me. it was like seeing a memory flashback, but it was very cloudy, the pony that i thought i saw looked like a pegasus, i didnt see any colours, but i imagined it to be black and green and i heard a name, a name that sounded very familiar, and that name was "Starlight". there was a last name too, but i couldnt make it out, it sounded like the word "shine" to me, but it didnt make sense as "starlight shine" didnt sound... right, but there was just something about this pony that drawn me to it, like i related to her or i felt some kind of spiritual connection. the next day after talking to some friends about it, i decided it might be best to become this pony to see how i feel about it, and i was no longer a rainbow dash, and became starlight the pegasus. fast forward about 3-4 months and grade 10 started for me, and it was then when i found out that my best friend, who has been friends with me since the start of grade 7, and really my only friend in highschool, moved away to go to another school for advanced studies, which really hurt because i really did not have any other friends at that time. (i should mention now that my best friend is almost an exact copy of sunburst, they have like the same personality, very similar interests, they were almost the same glasses and the way they talk is just.. so similar)and i was slowly dropping into.. what felt like depression because online drama and parents being verbally abusive was happening ontop of my friend moving away. so i wasnt in the best place emotionally.. something started to bother me about myself... it was like... a piece of me was missing. i didnt know what that piece could be that i was missing but, it just felt like... things arent... right.

Near the end of grade 10 was when the first episode of season 5 aired, and i remember first watching it and hearing the name "Starlight Glimmer" for the first time, and seeing the pony for the first time and something about her and that name felt.. very familiar to me. i cant explain that kind of feeling but it was like i felt, connected to her, like the feeling of "this is the pony that im meant to be" connected. it was almost like i found that piece of me that i was missing before, and Starlight Glimmer just felt... right... i really cant explain my feelings. watching more of the episode, and saw what was happening and what she was doing.. made me start to push down the feelings that i started having about this pony, that this wasnt me, because i cant possibly be a vilain, i cant explain it though but.. its just the more i watched the second episode the stronger the feeling became and it scared me, i kept pushing down the feelings that i had, trying not to be "connected" to a vilian on that scale, i was scared what everypony might think, that my "true self" was starlight glimmer, a pony who enslaved an entire village and didnt want to change at the end of the episode, and i was scared about myself for being connected to this kind of pony. i started to fight myself about my feelings, and kept pushing them down, and as time went on it was harder to push down so i just fought myself harder. i remember one of my friends at the time, asked me about starlight glimmer, like she known about my feelings somehow, and she asked me if i think starlight glimmer might be my trueself. i kept denying it, saying that no im not, i cant be.. and i dont remember her exact words, but she told me that i cannot keep fighting myself about feelings that are true, fighting to deny a piece of me is the true evil.

about a month after she told me this, the season 5 finale aired, and i remember watching it and just the feelings became more intense, as did fighting myself because i was trying to take over equestria. at the end of the episode when starlight explained the reason she acted the way she did was because of her best friend leaving away to go to another school for advanced studies, and that really affected me since i had a friend that did the exact same thing, and seeing her be reformed.. just made the feelings all the more intense until about maybe a week or two later.. i couldnt keep fighting myself and i couldnt take it anymore and... i caved in, and had a serious mental breakdown in the middle of the night. after a few hours of freaking out i went around to see if my friends were online because i needed to talk to somepony about this, thanfully one of my really close friends who was a spike, was online.. at almost 3 am too, thank you spike if youre reading this..~ i started talking to him and he explained to me that the reason im feeling this way is because im fighting myself over someting i want, and probably something important and eased me into trying to be starlight glimmer to see if this is what i want, and to see if this is the pony im meant to be.. and after that night, i became starlight glimmer, and then fell alseep after. the next morning when i woke up.. i felt... better. so much better, like a huge weight off my chest was lifted and i was happier than i have been in like a year.

once i became starlight glimmer.. i had to deal with really bad anxiety that everypony knows what did and they hate me for it, not just for like the show things but others thinking that me becoming starlight glimmer was wrong. to my surprise though, alot of ponies were really accepting with me being starlight glimmer, with alot of pons saying that shes not a villain shes just misunderstood. though even though i was getting alot of support about being her, i still had really bad anxiety and blaming myself for being a villain, just the mention of the village made me really uncomfortable, to the point where its like im getting ptsd. i would even get nightmares about the village sometimes when i go to sleep at night. it was pretty bad and i had to deal with that for more than a year before i started to.. accept myself and wasnt blaming myself all that much. though it was grade 11 now, and i was kind of going through depression because of gender dysphoria, and somepony who wasnt really a friend, more so an aquaintance heard about how i was dealing with this stuff alone and she reached her hand out, and brought me into her friend group, where i was accepted for who i was and it was that friend that helped come out as trans to my parents, and eventually it led to me getting hormones just recently last year. she was, and is similar to twilight, especially how she brought me into her friend group when i was feeling down.. kind of like what twilight did to me. i dunno.. i cant explain myself all that much when it comes to this. my grade 12 year in highschool was probably one of the best years, because i wasnt really that depressed, i havent been skipping all that much.. and at this point all my teachers knew i was trans because they were told about it last year, and all of them was really accepting about it, that and theyall knew about why i was skipping class all the time ( i still got good grades too so) so.. my grade 12 year just went by great.

Alot of drama and other things went down after i graduated from highschool, like my mom being very verbablly abusive, calling me things like braindead and useless for the smallest things, and alot of my friends being really sucidial.. it got to a bad point last year where i started to have really bad depressive episodes where i started not care about anything.. and during the summer of last year, one of my close irl friends got into a relationship with somepony.. and even though it lasted about 4 months, it was the worst 4 months of my life. i dont want to go into alot of details, but in the past she has acted really passive agressive with me and really manipulative, and when i vented to others about her, they all said the same thing. that she was a bad friend.. at the time i didnt believe them, and didnt want to believe them, but after those 4 months it.. really opened my eyes. during the 4 months she was very passive agressive with me, getting mad at me for the smallest things and was using me for... alot of stuff. it made my already really bad depressive moods worse, especially when i try venting to her, or in our group chat that we have, she would be even more passive agressive with me, which honestly made my mood just that much worse... and honestly? it was the first time in my life when i had the motivation to, and even a plan to hurt myself, or worse. i just couldnt care about anything anymore, not my friends, not my family, not even myself. though.. im just glad that i didnt hurt myself during that time.. and when she did break up with the person she was dating, and apologized to me about what happened..but it felt like it wasn't that sincere and it didnt feel like our friendship was the same, if anything i couldnt tell if we were still friends, because she was still passive agressive with me and all that.. its just.. idunno.. its a really complicated i guess, and i dont really know how to feel about it.. and even now, since shes still the same way as before.

and... thats basically what has happened over the past 4 years or so! i couldnt really get into much details about alot of it because ive forgotten about alot of past details. i know its pretty long and whatnot but.. i cant really sum up 4 years in like one paragraph heh.. but thanks for reading~!

on a completely unrelated note though, i really wish there was a starlight glimmer file.. even if its just for myself so i could work on my pony body more..

Writing from under the stars,
-Starlight Glimmer
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codenameRarity
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Re: Entry 1- Lets try this again...

Post by codenameRarity » Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:56 pm

Oh my, that was certainly an amount you had to say there! Let me try my best to take this piece by piece...

(Oh my, BBCode doesn't seem to work on this thread for some reason, so I'll have to work with what we got here...)Seems as that now has been fixed. Now edited for clarity.Or....maybe not quite...or somehow I missed a checkmark at the bottom of the page :\

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// "Hey everypony! It's me Starlight Glimmer~ Im really happy that we have a new website now, and that I have a new journal..."
It certainly is wonder to have a site back. I know nowadays with much larger sites hogging most traffic and communities relying on existing chatgroups or websites rather than a separate websites is getting more and more common, but I've always preferred this styling and format simply because it is easy to go back and see how much you've grown as a person....well, as long as the site is still receiving support. Still though, there's archive.org as a last resort and perhaps you might be able to locate at least some of them there. As myself I have learned early on, Backups, backups, backups!

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/* "So... 2014, i was still a rainbow dash, near the end of my grade 9 year of highschool..." */
It is certainly an interesting feeling about being connected with a pony, even if there's no direct source of where it might come from. In the end, it seems you've decided to take that step towards this path and seeing where this would take you. Sometimes, the decisions we make might not make sense right away, but there's that gut feeling that says to keep going! I've always believed, myself, that you should explore new paths when the opportunities come up; you never know what lies ahead unless you traverse yourself~!
Seeing friends come and go sometimes are hard to accept. Sometimes, this may happen as a part of life (myself having gone through this stage in my 28 years of living here several times over). There are times when you need to grasp hard to these friendships as much as you can, but you might also have to learn when you need to let them go. I will note, however, that it certainly does not mean a complete ending of a friendship; if anything this might possibly mean that the friendship is changing (such as a close friend to a 'regular' friend for instance). In any event, during these kinds of situations, try to remember that indeed you both may have had wonderful times together, and I certainly believe one should hold on to the good memories about a person they were once close with. You never know, there may be a chance you will run into them again in the future and you can talk about these good times, or share them with others if you like.

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<!-- "Near the end of grade 10 was when the first episode of season 5 aired, and i remember first watching it and hearing the name "Starlight Glimmer" for the first time..." -->
Personally, it is my belief that no person ever is intentionally "evil" per se. You might know someone, even a close friend, who might be getting into something questionable or might have gotten into a harmful habit. Would you call this person evil, or is there a reason for them to traverse this path? Is there something you do in your daily life that a stranger would walk up to you and declare you, yourself, are "evil" for such? Some of the best villains in media have something in common, a backstory of how they turned out in such a way. I do not believe that any pony truly strives to become "evil", but perhaps just need help understanding that what their actions are truly doing to those they care about.

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REM "about a month after she told me this, the season 5 finale aired, and i remember watching it and just the feelings became more intense..."
It is certainly interesting how this show has moments where you can simply relate closely to. Myself, ever since starting out with the Rarity files I've noticed many many similarities I have with her in the show that I've previously ignored, and as I'm catching up with the seasons I'm still finding things I've strongly related with from my entire life (Note: I still need to watch a couple of episodes from Season 7, and most of 8 and 9, but I'm getting there!). In any event, you should very much so always be the person, or pony, that you truly are inside! I know I've gone through this, myself, and that was the happiest moment in my life at that time! I feel that all ponies (and people) can greatly benefit from this.

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' "once i became starlight glimmer.. i had to deal with really bad anxiety that everypony knows what did and they hate me for it..."
Sometimes the world can be scary to come out to. I know personally about trans individuals who feel they need to keep their inner selves (or even relationships) tightly shut in their "closets" in fear of those who would not take the time to understand why you feel the way you feel. It is unfortunate that we're fighting decades (or even centuries) of hate targeted towards those who just want to be themselves and accepted for that. Fortunately, I believe the world is slowly staring to traverse in the right direction, and we just need to keep presenting ourselves as who we are inside!

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# "Alot of drama and other things went down after i graduated from highschool, like my mom being very verbablly abusive..."
It is very hard to do this sometimes, especially if it's family that you are supposed to love and trust the most, but sometimes the best way to deal with a situation like this is to cut that person (including family) out of your life as much as possible. If one is being toxic with you and even after repetitive prompts of you letting someone know how much you've been hurt by them, then it is no better for you to stay with them. That being said, if you deeply care about a person (or pony), don't feel bad about letting them know how you feel (I believe there's actually an episode featuring Starlight Glimmer discussing this very topic). If a friend truly cares about you, they would understand what their actions are doing to you, but sometimes they need to know how or why it hurts or they may never change their ways.

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--[[ and... thats basically what has happened over the past 4 years or so! i couldnt really get into much details about alot of it because ive forgotten about alot of past details. i know its pretty long and whatnot but.. i cant really sum up 4 years in like one paragraph heh.. but thanks for reading~! ]]--
*giggles* It was certainly a task to go through, but it seemed like you had a lot to say and I wanted to show that your words are being heard. Thank you for taking the time to share~

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-- "on a completely unrelated note though, i really wish there was a starlight glimmer file.."
*nodnods* I can understand wanting to desire to see your ponyself and no one having any true answers on how to go on this path (at least without relying on questionable methods). Unfortunately, that is still a journey I'm traversing, myself...


That was certainly a read, but I hope what I have to say helps you out on your journey. I hope you have a wonderful day, Starlight Glimmer! (* Small note: I hope my coding side shines through here~ *)

-Rarity

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