Entry 2 (final)- Take my hoof little one, it's time to go...

Its me, Starlight Glimmer~! Pupil to the princess of friendship, savior of Equestria, Counselor at the school of friendship... and a kite enthusiast!
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Starlight Glimmer
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2019 9:01 pm
Pony: Starlight Glimmer
Title: Glimglam

Entry 2 (final)- Take my hoof little one, it's time to go...

Post by Starlight Glimmer » Thu Feb 27, 2020 9:35 am

Hey everypony... this post is going to be a long one, and probably really emotional.. for me anyway. i dont really know how many of you actually care to read my posts on the forums? since its pretty dead here all the time...

its really hard for me to make this post as i keep feeling like im going to cry after every word i type.. but... il try to get this done... im sorry if this isnt a good explanation as to why im leaving... my emotions are weird and its probably best to ignore me or whatever.. but... i dunno...

anyway... some of you probably noticed i left the discord server earlier today, and.. i kept my wording really vague because i thought i would make a journal post here to i guess talk about my feelings and why i left. bare with me because im just writing as im thinking so i guess my writing is going to be all over the place, and have like no structure lol.

a week before this, i had a dream where starlight's (or well my dad) reached out his hoof to me, and told me "take my hoof little one, its time to go" and woke up in tears, almost crying. its kind of why i have it as the title of this post

tl;dr: im leaving hypnoponies, it breaks my heart to leave, but it breaks my heart to stay, as ive loved this place so much... and it has become a community that i dont like


ive been stressing out over.. everything for the past few months now, but my mood has gotten pretty bad a few weeks ago, when the owner of the restaurant i work at projected his stress on all of us. ive been getting really bad mood swings from it, and drama happening between my friends and other stuff.. its just overall not a fun experience. though, the thought of leaving hypnoponies has been on the back of my mind for a few years already, and i considered leaving twice in the past, but just never went through with it. the two times being in 2015? (i think it was 2015?) during the drama with oscore, and 2017 with all the drama that hit the community then. i kept deciding to stay those times because i kept holding onto pieces of the past, thinking that it would get better someday in the future.. because ive always thought of hypnoponies as my home, and i loved this place to bits, so much so that hypnoponies became my everything and just.. i dont know where i would be without hypnoponies. recently however... ive been just so disconnected from the community.. how this place changed too much and how i hardly recognize it now.

i guess my stress got to me or something, or whatever but recently i just couldnt stop thinking about all the drama that has happened in the community the last few years and i kept thinking about i guess... myself? i kept thinking about how i felt unwanted in the discord server, like the more i talk the more others dont seem to care or dont seem to want me there, i felt like they see the name "krazy" and people automatically say to themselves "ew its krazy" or something and i kept feeling guilty thinking i did something wrong, or if people hold grudges for my past mistakes or something (and.. i dont blame them.. i hate myself too) and that feeling is kind of the reason why i havent been talking in the discord server for... pretty much a year, if i did it was minimal... i dont really talk on any discord servers nowadays because of that feeling, and i just usually use discord solely for dms. i was going to talk about this stuff in the help and support channel of the discord server but.. backed out last second thinking it was a stupid idea or something. i probably should have posted something there indicating how i felt but.. i dont really know. i couldnt really think properly because my mind just kept racing with... thoughts. i just felt... headaches and nauseous from it all and i dont really know how to explain what i was thinking or how i was feeling at that time.

*sigh..* but the real reason im leaving is... i feel too disconnected from the community, and... it almost hurts to see what this community has become. i feel like the community changed too much too quickly. its... nothing like what hypnoponies used to be, it just doesnt feel like hypnoponies anymore. sure, the community bears its name but, the real hypnoponies died years ago back in 2015/2016, and all the drama in 2017 was just the nail in the coffin. after what happened in 2017... is when i started to feel really disconnected from the community,my heart just kept breaking. it felt like my home burnt down and all i have left were just pieces of charred wood that i kept near to me because i didnt want to let go of the past, i didnt want to let go of a community that i put so much time and love in... and i still remember what the OG celestia (twilight sparkle madrigal) told me in a dm that i now lost. she mentioned about how she didnt like the path the community was going, and didnt not want to be apart of the community anymore, the community that frinkel was creating as she feels heart broken about what was about to happen. i didnt know what that meant at the time, as that was around 2014, but i gradually found out over time what she meant by this.
this place was and still is equestrian souls in my eyes, seperate from what hypnoponies was. hypnosis here almost seems like a taboo subject, or at least, its never talked about anymore. when someone talks about live sessions they are shut down almost immediately and files are scarcely mentioned, especially the personality files. its like we are a hypnosis community that... fears hypnosis. which just doesnt make sense to me. the community feels divided all the time, as its mostly just a place of bitter ponies who fight each other for drama happening outside of the community, or ponies constantly fighting each other over politics, and posting offensive jokes or memes just "because" and "you ponies cant take a joke" it honestly hurts me to see the community take this path, how everyone is just consumed by drama that its just created this... almost toxic mindset, and being hurt mentally. though.. i guess this is just my opinion on whats going on in the community, maybe this isnt true or whatever but... feel free to hate me or whatever for my take on it.

it.. really hurts for me to be leaving the place that ive loved so dearly for 7 years... like i said, i considered hypnoponies to be my home, because all the friends i made here are more of a family that my bs of a biological one ever has. this place was the first place where i could actually be... me, without being bullied at school or being verbally abused at home, when i first joined everyone was so... accepting, and welcoming with open arms and.. friendly. everyone discovering themselves by using pony hypnosis and keeping journals to record hypnosis progress and for some, record memories they had of the pony or just their experiences with real life. it was a simpler time iguess.. when the community actually felt like a community because it was mainly forum based, and not have heavy focus on live chat like discord. you can easily find posts from people on a forum while its pretty hard to find on discord, especially if it was from months or years prior. over the 7 years i just... learned so much from this place, i discovered who i was, from the pony i am now, starlight glimmer, to discovering that i was trans and why im hormones now. i still remember the old site motto of "discovering ourselves by becoming others" its.. pretty much what we did, we found ourselves by becoming pastel horses. i remember when i was 13-14 i would log onto the hypnoponies niceboard forums everyday, anytime i had the chance. before school? hypnoponies. during school when i had my ipod? hypnoponies. after school? hypnoponies. i would log in everyday and check up on everypony there, i would make so many posts to be as active as i could because i loved the place that i found, i loved the community i was apart of. spitfire at the time always called me the "posting powerhouse" of the forum because i had thousands of posts by like 2014, dont quote me on this but i think i had about 2000 posts on the niceboard before we switched to the .net forum? and i dont remember the exact amount of posts i had on the .net forum but it was near 5000 or so. i was... probably one of, if not the most active forum member during that time... and... 2013-2014 was probably the best time of my life.

this community helped me through thick and thin, and is the reason why i made it through high school. the reason why i found myself as trans, why i hadnt done something stupid and hurt myself. anytime i would come online, either on the niceboard, or the .net forums, on the irc, skype or on discord... all my friends would be there, for me. and i would forget about being bullied at school, or being verbally abused everyday by my mother. all the life advice ive been given from everypony.. from how to deal with my mother to helping me see myself as a good pony when i always felt like i was never good enough. and for that im grateful.

its almost like fate brought me here, i guess something having to do with metaphysics? i dont know. everything just happened in such a way, like it was meant to happen. i didnt hear about my little pony friendship is magic, until second semester of grade 8 when two of my classmates (one of which became my closest friend later on, who is near identical to twilight sparkle) were talking about the show, and pretty loudly, which grabbed my interest. when i discovered the show and loved it, i happened to be interested in hypnosis at the time, and had a thought of "i wonder if pony hypnosis exists" and searched on youtube and i found the rarity hypnosis file (v1? i think?) and listened to it. (the original video is gone from youtube, or at least hard to find since i havent found it in years) i felt like i would have lost interest in pony hypnosis at that time, as the files didnt work instantly like i thought would happen (i was dumb at 13) if it wasnt for that youtube video's description. there was only one link in the description, and no other text, and that link was a link to the google doc, and finding that google doc just set everything into motion for me, i found all the files, the link to hypnponies niceboard forums (which are still up by the way) and... ever since that day hypnoponies became my everything. starting from the pinkie pie file after i joined, and having to switch out of pinkie due to being bullied at school for acting like a pinkie pie, resetting, having a pretty serious i guess.. psychotic...attack...? i dunno how to describe that, to getting my very first tulpa, pinkie, to becoming rainbowdash and having strange visions before season 5 about a pony named starlight, to becoming starlight and realizing my life is near identical to the show starlight, besides of course... enslaving an entire town... from having a friend who is exactly like sunburst,who left to another school for advanced studies, and left me behind, leaving me in a very bad depressive state. and having a friend, who is now one of my closest, show me her hoof and introduced me to her friend group, and showed me that everything was going to be okay, like twilight did. and the fact i actually have a friend thats similar to trixie. and everything in between that happened wasnt hypnosis or pony related, from meeting so many friends, being part of a community that i absolutely loved, more than anything, and... i just cant help but feel that i was meant to find this place when i did, that it wasnt a coincidence that all this went down.

i never really wanted to leave this community... ever. ive always wanted to be apart of hypnoponies until like.. the end of time. hypnoponies was my home. my everything. i guess... my soul? since i always feel deep down inside im always a pony, i always have been a pony, starlight glimmer in particular. but this isnt hypnoponies, at least i dont feel like it is anymore. this is a different community all together, its become something that i dont like, its become a place that has been hurting me, and others mentally, with all the drama and whatnot going on almost all the time here, a place that i always feared it would become, but tried to remain hopeful it wouldnt.

the path of the community scares me... i tried to hold onto the past and hold on to the hope that the community would go back to that little forum i found when i was 13 and alone, the little forum that could, and did. but ive been holding on to pieces of charred wood that cant be salvaged and cant be refurbished or rebuilt.. and... i think its time it put those pieces back to where they belong. to the site of where my home, the one i loved so dear, had crumbled. if i could go back in time, i would go back to that moment in second semester in grade 8, in art class, where my two friends were talking about my little pony friendship is magic quite loudly. i would do all of this again. its been a fun 7 years. its been fun, but rough.

i never wanted to say goodbye, i never wanted to leave, i never wanted to let go..... but...all good things come to an end eventually.....

i love you all.. so much.. and thank you. thank you for the best 7 years ever. and thanks for the memories.

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Writing from under the stars.. for the very last time,
-Starlight Glimmer (Krazydude4, Krazypie4, KrazyDashie)
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Rainbowfast
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2020 1:20 am
Title: Fastpone

Re: Entry 2 (final)- Take my hoof little one, it's time to go...

Post by Rainbowfast » Sun May 03, 2020 7:38 pm

This reminds me of the finale of the show itself.

And, let me tell you, most "fiction" is a misinterpretation of a dream, or vision, connected with another reality. Maybe another dimension spatially, a huge distance in light years from us, but, still, a dream of a real place, controtreted by assumptions and misunderstanding.

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